i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
