3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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