Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
