You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
