You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
