for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
