everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
