also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
