I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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