i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
