Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
