a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
