Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
