dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
