Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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