I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
