Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
