When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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