My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
