I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
