I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
