he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
No subtext here. People are naked.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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