just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
