Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
