don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
