I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
40s are totally the cure
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
