I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
