Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
