I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm just crazy horny about you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
