I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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