hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
