I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My feet surprised me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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