Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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