Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
