i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
