He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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