i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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