Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
