I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
