Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
