if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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