I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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