you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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