my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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