Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
