My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
