i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
