I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Dear god my vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
