my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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