Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
