He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
