well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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